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January 10, 2002
Sexy CNN Pimps Paula Zahn to Necrophiliacs

By Ahmed Amr.


Walter Isaccson, who heads CNN's 'news' department, is apparently going through menopause. Every week he comes up with some crazy idea to promote CNN. First it was 'the global minute' which was billed as Sixty Seconds of hard hitting international news. The announcer would spend the first 10 seconds welcoming you to sixty seconds. With fifty seconds left, they would breeze through their international coverage and have enough time to put in a few words about the latest hat craze among the Kurds of Turkey. Walter Isaccson used to call them 'funny Fez story to avoid bringing up Gaza'. Having cut the news budget to the bone, the other 29 minutes were spent on sports, weather, Dow theory and the hawking of Time Warner and AOL products.

Next, CNN came up with a nifty slogan that was a variation from an advertising firm that once tried to sell it to Pizza Hut. The slogan was 'Real News/Real Fast'. That lasted a few weeks until folks figured out that fast news like fast food is not very healthy and can lead to early symptoms of Alzheimer's.

After many frustrating moves, CNN actually considered merging with the IDF, the Israeli Army. They figured since they used so much of their material, they might as well use drafted soldiers to cut costs. Besides, AOL already had substantial investments in Israel. And Levine, the big chief, has good connections in Mossad.

But Isaccson came up with a beauty yesterday. He decided to pimp the 'Sexy' Paula Zahn, apparently because their market study determined that a large audience of necrophiliacs were attracted to the fact that she had aged so rapidly. She looks 50, but can't be a day over 30, given her dizzy 'CNN-no-nothing' personality. Apparently the necrophiliacs thought that given her fast aging DNA, she would be ripe for the picking. That would keep them glued to their fantasy prospect.

Paula is rumored to have objected saying "they can wait till I am dead, for all I care". More to the point she insisted that she wanted a private burial and cremation. Some of these new infotainment 'journalists' like to appeal to a wider segment of the population. A frustrated Paula was heard screaming at Isaccson ' I want my audience to love me while I am still alive, not the day after my funeral.' Although it was a costly project, they pulled the ads after 24 hours.

A dejected Isaccson is currently working on some new ideas. As he points out "we have precious little credible news content, and at some point we need to market the sizzle. Ted Turner had the right idea. We should remain close to our roots as a billboard company. We need to flash something at our viewers that won't overwhelm their 5 second attention span. I am sorry Paula didn't go along with our campaign. It would have resulted in more exposure, especially for her legs. If given a little time, I think it would have gone over really well with our necrophiliac viewers. You should see the wrinkles on her upper thigh. But we intend move real fast with our next idea. Regardless of recent setbacks, I refuse to go over budget and start manufacturing serious news that the public will not watch. We need to give viewers what they want. I little bit of Paula showing leg. A little bit of Paula flashing tit. A little bit of Paula shaking hips. But no, all I got was gripes about her self-image as a journalist. We didn't hire her to be a journalist. Who put that idea into her head. If we were in the business of journalism, what the hell am I doing here?. I've got a good mind to cut of her wardrobe allowance."

Rumors in Atlanta have a combined show featuring Wolf Blitzer and Aaron Brown competing to see who can eat more dead Palestinian infants in 60 minutes. Blitzer claims to have a record matched only by his idol, Ariel Sharon. Isaccson has reservation about this particular proposal. Since it would require both Blitzer and Brown to return to their country and have nightly dinners with Sharon. The concern is that Blitzer might provoke Sharon to turn on Aaron Brown for not having spent enough time on a Kibbutz. It is no secret in the industry that Blitzer and Brown are always competing to prove who has better likudnik credentials. Blitzer seems to have a slight edge, on that count. But Aaron has been training with some hard-core Yiddish supremacists like Daniel Pipes who will probable support him when he goes before the Likud party central committee to consider getting another badge for his Special Forces outfit.

Every night now, Aaron Brown shows you his back than turns around suddenly and says 'what viewers expect of me is to be accurate and honest.' Now, why would any responsible manager set up one of his boys to fail. Isaccson knows that Brown can niether be accurate or honest. So, is this campaign a cynical ploy by Wolf Blitzer to get a better look at Paula Zahn's thighs after Brown gets fired. Is Aaron Brown a closet necrophiliac who is just trying to het in good with Isaccson so he can get first digs at Paula Zahn.

Some maverick voices in the industry are whispering taboos, rarely mentioned among even this element. They are suggesting that CNN actually take a stab at becoming a legitimate news operation. But Isaccson has them on notice that if they persist in their radical agenda, he will call in the Mossad, because as he puts it "you either show your legs, or you are with the enemy."

Because of all this turmoil, we suggest you dump your AOL stock.