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March 5, 2001
BUYING POTUS

By Ahmed Amr.
Editor

 
 

Those who crave a slice of POTUS are finding out that buying POTUS is not for everyone. To begin with, unless you come from a family of felons, you may never have any need for POTUS. So it would be a gigantic waste of effort to go looking for it. Besides POTUS is far from affordable and has appreciated considerably over the last eight years. It is not likely you can just waltz up to the White House POTUS counter and order POTUS off the shelf. That alone would make you an unworthy connoisseur of POTUS. Besides, the official line is that POTUS is not for sale.

The auction for POTUS can only be attended by sealed invitations. Average Americans are rarely, if ever, invited. Many citizens believe that POTUS never actually reaches the market. If they only knew the size of the POTUS market. You don't even have to be an American to bid for POTUS; you just need an invitation to the auction.

Buying POTUS is not something you do as a lone ranger, although some Texan is bound to make the attempt. You need to recruit a small army of well-connected Washington Lawyers. There are a few cases where just a couple of lawyers tried to pull off a POTUS transaction, but they usually involved an inept presidential in-law. Take Hugh Rodham, a huge first brother, who actually had to refund his POTUS commission, because he was caught publicly trading POTUS. It is considered quite gauche not to keep the whole affair private. When you trade POTUS, you can't be seen advertising your business. To enhance your chance of getting some POTUS, It is obligatory to line up Democratic Party donors with deep pockets and it helps to have the full attention of the DNC finance department.

If you are lucky enough to be in the good grace of the Israeli government, especially the Mossad, you get a wholesale discount on POTUS. Clout is everything when you venture out to acquire an allotment of POTUS. What kind of clout? Just enough to have Congressman John Brademas contact John Podesta, Clinton's former chief of staff and let him know that Shlomo Ben-Ami, Israel's foreign minister had successfully lobbied King Carlos of Spain to request a pardon for Mark Rich. Throw in a few late night calls from Prime Minister Barak and a hundred hand delivered appeals from influential Jewish community elders and Israeli politicians. Bingo, you got yourself some POTUS.

There are certain people who know certain lawyers who can usher you through the entire process of acquiring POTUS. Bring lots of money for the lawyers, for the DNC, for Hillary's campaign, for Hillary's brother and for the library to be built to honor POTUS. They can promise you the Rose Garden, but access to POTUS does not come cheap.

The day after Mark Rich successfully concluded his now infamous POTUS transaction, he got a congratulatory phone call from a certain Mr. Lewis Libby, who just happens to be the current chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney. Lewis, in a previous incarnation, was a lawyer for Mark Rich. These days, the marching order from President Bush is to move on. So when Libby was asked whether the pardon was justified, he offered this bit of legalese "I have no opinion because I would not be able to render an opinion without all the facts before me." Men like Libby prowl the corridors of power in Washington on the strength of their ability to evade straight answers. In Washington, the better you lie, the higher you fly. Libby worked Mark Rich's file for years and it is safe to assume that as a lawyer called to testify before Congress, he kept up with the latest developments. Make no mistake, Libby knows all about buying POTUS. He just doesn't want share the information with the American public.

So, how do the powers that be keep the POTUS market out of the public eye? Well, it all comes down to ghosts in the closets. In Washington, everyone has files on everyone else. You bring up their 'POTUS' files and they can easily retaliate by taking your files down to the Justice Department and CNN. If they really want to get nasty, they place a call to the National Inquirer. Or they can start asking all kinds of pesky questions about whether your daddy was ever involved in the POTUS market.

Unfortunately for the American public, this story will be killed as soon as the big media boys figure a way to distract us by calling our attention to the "business of the nation". To clam up the rats on their ships, both parties will maintain a balance of terror by reminding their adversaries of the files in the closets. Then they will merrily walk away from any serious investigation of the business of buying POTUS. All this will be done with the active collaboration of our media lords, who will no doubt be rewarded, with a few extra slices of POTUS. The media titans will sit tight and wait for the whole sordid affair to blow over in a day or a week. The danger is that some of the animals in our political zoo will get edgy and get trigger happy with their files, especially now that the illustrious National Inquirer is at the scene of the crime. Some of the greatest political revelations of our generation are destined to come from crusading journalists in "second tier" papers, because the big media boys have an incestuous relationship with the Federal government and cannot be relied upon to do their civic duty.

With the recent revelations about the real Clinton 'legacy', the public has been alerted that something is seriously wrong about the manner in which government business is conducted. We are just starting to learn about the strange art of acquiring a slice of POTUS. But the elders of the Democratic and Republican parties want to spoil our fun. They don't think it would be "good for the country" to dwell on the price of POTUS. They keep hounding us to 'MOVE ON'. Forget about moving on. We want to check out every hair on the bearded lady's face, up close and personal. Sure, its ugly, but we all deserve to know more about it. The majority of Americans have speculated about the POTUS market for years. We desperately want to know why the folks who recently managed to purchase large chunks of POTUS don't want to reveal the going price. The market for POTUS needs to be monitored and regulated. It is too valuable to turn it into an export commodity that can be had by any little east Mediterranean country with access to large pools of Washington legal sharks. We should, at the very minimum, make a rule to allow only Americans to buy and deal in POTUS. We should also monitor how people use their POTUS once they get a hold of it.

There are a few dreamers who believe we should 'reform' the POTUS market. Take Warren Beatty's recent comments to the New York Times (2/25/2001) :"The Democratic Party has abdicated much of its soul to raise the money necessary to be elected. To regain its historic mission and activate its natural constituencies, the party must, above all, face the fact of its own culpability in the odor of the legalized bribery that constitutes the way we finance our campaigns." Warren, if the party is staffed by "legal" bribe takers, shouldn’t we just legally dismantle the party? Those who buy POTUS or Congress, end up owning America and ruling the world. Isn’t it time we stopped putting America on sale to the highest bidder?

The Media seems to be studiously avoiding any notice of the entanglement of the Jewish Lobby in this latest POTUS scandal. Now, how much POTUS did this Lobby buy for Israel and how many additional billions ended up financing the Israeli arsenal being used to suppress the Palestinian independence uprising? Some folks, for reasons unknown, found it in their hearts to send $3 billion to the DNC and the RNC for the purpose of acquiring POTUS and Congress. These folks always seem satisfied with the deal they get. They are never heard complaining to the Better Business Bureau or demanding a refund. No other industry seems to have such a satisfied customer base.

No one trades POTUS like our media tycoons. Our media lords take money from POTUS for marketing and give some of it back to gain access to POTUS. They keep some POTUS for their own needs. However, for the right price, they will sell a little POTUS on the side. After they are done using POTUS, they throw POTUS out with the dirty dishwater claiming they are shocked that someone actually pays for POTUS.

(Note to our Readers: POTUS translates into President Of The United States)