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April 16, 2001
George, my boy, remember Tianamen Square

By Ahmed Amr.


George, my boy, I don't mean to impose on you. But, I know a thing or two about China. Been there, done that. Remember Tianamen?. This too shall pass.

Part of being President, son, is dealing with lose-lose situations. You lose a little face, they lose a little face and you move on. Whatever you decide to do, do it yesterday, before those wicked media boys turn it into another hostage crisis. If they start using the 'H' word, you might as well spend the rest of your term commiserating with Jimmy at the Carter Library.

So, cut a deal while our servicemen are still considered 'detained' in Hanan. Until they arrive safely to our blessed shores, we must insist that the Chinese cater meals that are MSG-free. In the meantime, arrange for a triumphant parade in Whidbey Island, declare victory and go back to cutting my taxes. The IRS is killing me, this year.

As you will quickly discover, dealing with the Chinese is not half the problem. Watch those media pundits trying to goad you into a full-blown crisis, Those bastards will do anything for ratings. Hell, Ted Turner would just love a hot little war to get all those free Pentagon tapes and put on a 24-7 jingoistic cabaret. That boy would sell his first-born to get a military fireworks display. You start the war and Turner would gladly market it for you. So, keep away from that serial arsonist.

You know, son, I paid a price for not doing anything about Tianamen. But it was the right thing not to do. It is not our business to mind the rights of humans in Hanan or anywhere else in China. The business of America is business. The same New York Times 'liberals' who got hot and bothered about Chinese freedom, still insist that Israel can do whatever it pleases to the Palestinians. Everyone has an agenda, son, especially Sulzberger and Turner. So, ignore the media. They are just a bunch of draft-dodging trouble-makers. A few hundred dead Palestinians, a few hundred dead Chinese. Move on and forget about it. You will find the boys in the pressroom will accommodate you and we got Wall Street backing on this. As long as you ignore what Sharon is up to, they will give you good copy no matter what you do.

First things first. Lock up the hawks in the White House basement. For pete's sake they can get their kicks out of a box of Viagra. Whatever you do, this lunacy about trade sanctions is just not going to happen. How deep do you want this recession to be? You want a dose of inflation, try doing without cheap Chinese imports. If Americans want toys under their Christmas tree, they had better come to grips that Santa's factories are now located in Shanghai and he is very happy with the gross profit margins. Imagine America without shoes, or socks for that matter. We don't make these things in America, anymore. An America with bare feet would feel real humiliation.

George, your mother always taught you to be polite to strangers, so just say you are sorry. If you want to do a little damage control, send a couple of missions to bomb Iraq. That will get the media vultures off your back. Clinton always managed to get out of a fix with that maneuver.

Besides, showing the Chinese a little respect will be good for our country. Let them feel good about themselves. I wonder what Santa is making you for Christmas. If his little helpers in Shanghai are happy campers, I bet you will love your new toys. You'll never guess what I got you. A replica of the statue of Liberty. I got a good deal on it, because they don't have much use for it in Beijing.

If you want to talk some more, just George to George, call me. You know, I hate having to sneak in through the kitchen door. I hate those pesky journalists. So what, if your daddy gave you some good advice.